Spend the night with TIM TEBOW!
This Saturday, February 5th, 2012, in Indianapolis, as the Saints face off against the mighty upstarts, the Denver Broncos, the NFL is auctioning off its most precious resource for charity. For the kids!
We’re selling tickets now so no one will miss out on this outstanding opportunity! Go to http://climbmounttim.com to buy’em before they run out! Tickets are $150 dollars each. There is no by limit, so the more you buy, the greater the chance you’ll win. There can be only one woman.
Tim Tebow is 6’3” and 245 fat-free pounds of untouched Christian wilderness, and a week after the Superbowl he’ll be all yours for the taking!
If you win Saturday’s draw, you will be flown to Denver the following Friday to stay at the Denver Ritz-Carlton. That evening, you’ll be treated to a make-over courtesy of the experts at Sephora Beauty, a free massage from the Ritz-Carlton Spa, and a $2000 shopping trip to Mona Lucero and Twice as Haute.
On Saturday morning, Tim Tebow himself will pick you up at your hotel. Take your tongues off the floor, ladies! He’s not coming to your room until later that evening. A whole day of Tim-time awaits you.
First, a moment of mutual tebowing in the Curtis street lobby of the Ritz (offer void if participant refuses to tebow). Then it’s off to Summit Church to meet Tim’s pastor. There’ll be loads of fun bible study, a rousing round of Speaking in Tongues (Participant is permitted to speak gibberish if she does not feel The Spirit), and a quick round of song with the Summit Church Grandmother’s Chorale, which is among the many groups Tim’s charity supports.
A quick lunch (Refreshments provided by the Ladies’ Auxiliary. You’ve never tasted cucumber sandwiches like these!), and then to the gym to watch Tim work out. Feast your eyes as he does the Monster Tire Jump! Revel in his manly triceps as he tebows yet again! But don’t worry, ladies, he’s going to leave a little something extra just for you!
That evening, after dinner at the Elway restaurant in the Ritz, you and Tim will head up the honeymoon suite, and there you will take possession of Tim’s highly-prized virtue *,**,***,****!
* A Condom must be used. For his protection, not yours.
** Participant must sign a waiver that acknowledges a refusal to press a suit in the event that Tim 1) fails to perform 2) his prayers for performance are not answered 3) weeps in shame 4) tebows all night.
*** Enjoy your conquest while you can, because the moment Tim comes home, he will be signing an abstinence pledge, which these days is a good as a virginity ring.
**** In the event of Tim being unable to attend for reasons of illness, injury, or uncontrollable fear, Demaryius Thomas will substitute. He’s not untouched.