My candidacy for the Republican Nomination

Good evening, my fellow Republicans.

Who is this strange man who has appeared on my television screen during prime time? you’re probably asking. Why has he not even given his name? I’ll get to that. I’ll get to everything. 

I’m the newest Republican candidate for president. Yes, I know Mitt and Newt are ostensibly the front-runners. Newt may even beat Mitt if he can persuade Santorum to… um… to get behind him. But I’m here now. If I can persuade you that I’m your man, then Newt and Mitt will simply concede. So please have a listen.

You’re in a pickle, aren’t you, Republicans? You’ve got a popular, smart, and telegenic president; an economy that’s in the crapper; a stand-off with Iran and North Korea; and a debt that so massive that in a short time the richest man in the country won’t be able to afford three months interest on the national debt.

So this is my platform - it’s the platform of a left-wing Canadian, but at least you’ll know where I stand. I’m a placater, a mollifier, a consensus builder, and an old pro at kissing babies and grandmas.

First, and I need get this out of the way. I’m not a social conservative, and that’s that last thing you need anyway. I promise not to do anything about abortion - that might offend you, but the last spate of Republican presidents didn’t do anything about it either. Abortion gets out votes and no one ever follows through on it. Same-sex marriage is coming to most states, so don’t bother trying to stop it. The gays and the Gay Agenda aren’t destroying marriage, Kim Kardashian, Sinead O’Connor, John Edwards, and Newt Gingrich are destroying marriage. I’m not pro-gun, but I’m not going to try to take them away from you, since all the police budget-cuts mean you’re going to need them more than ever. So I want you to put all the social stuff aside; that’s not going to defeat Obama. Don’t look to me for religious guidance - leave that to your minister. 

The keys to getting the United States out of this mess (which is no fault of yours, by the way) is not great change. I know: the President ran on change, and every four years the Republican candidate threatens to throttle the machinery of government in the bathtub and kill it down to size before he promptly spends the country into the ground. 

Here is what I propose. There’s a lot to running a country, but I think this one-plank platform will do be worth the price of admission alone. I guarantee President Obama hasn’t thought of this. 

Let’s look at the cause of conflict - profit, religion, and beneath all of that is a little undercurrent of sex. In the past too many societies have raised young men on a strict diet of no sex, and then sent them out into the world where they become frustrated killing machines. I don’t think there is any way you can change people’s minds about religion - the middle east will be fighting over Jerusalem until that area is a giant pile of radioactive dust, and we should leave them to it. I think we need to bypass all that silliness and concentrate on making something exciting happen within our borders. 

Sex - that’s an Achilles heel in every human being. 

I don’t want to bother with legalizing heroin or Marijuana. I propose we legalize and tax sex. The sale of sex, specifically.

The US, one of the worlds great producers of porn and beautiful people, can become the world’s greatest destinations for sex tourism in the history of our planet. Do you want it hot and sultry? Hot-lanta, baby! Like it edgy, with some clunky-rimmed glasses alongside? The Big Apple beckons! Like it spicy and with just a hint of violence? LA’s your lady! Like your men buff and shaved? That’s… well, that’s the entire west coast. Like your women wholesome and polite, and willing to talk politics and unions before, during, and after? The ladies of Madison, Wisconsin will debate at the drop of a hat! Like muscles and stamina? Our pro-sports teams have off-seasons, and sometimes our fellas get bored and would love to meet up with some European policy wonkettes! 

Once this thing takes off, the tax implications are incredible. We could pay down the debt. You can’t outsource living genitalia when it’s right at home. There is nothing outside of our borders that can compare to a young God-fearing debutante, or a fresh-faced Christian quarterback. Best of all, you’ve got droves of them in your party, and if you told them they’d be helping to defeat Obama, I’m willing to bet they’d get with the program mighty quick!

We’d have to have a sea-change in our sexual mores, of course. ‘Prostitute’ is an unpleasant and clinical term and should be replaced with something softer and more pleasing: Pleasure Professional. Senator. Pleasure Deacon. Something along those lines. 

The best part? Government regulation. Yes, I’ve already foreseen the possibility that we might give rise to massive sexual conglomerates that kill all healthy competition and funnel their profits to tax havens. There will be no lobbyists, no CEOs with ties to big government, no tax holidays. This will all be done by a the new Department of Pleasure Provision. Uncle Sam will get his share and we will pay off that debt!

I’d like to talk a little more, but I’m hearing some ominous thumping noises at the back door. I think the eff-bee-eye have tracked down my signal, and I’m sure they didn’t appreciate me beaming in during a Patriot game. So I’ll be going now and don’t worry about me - there’s a tricked up little Civic with a motor like a f-15 jammed up inside and they don’t stand a chance of catching me! 

Vote for a steady course and a legalized adult playland. Vote for a Campbell/Flint ticket! Vote for fluid exchange we can believe in!